Dear Albert,

Lately I have gotten into online poker.  I am having a lot of fun, but I keep losing money.  Any advice on how I can stop?

Worried in Worchester

Dear Worried,

Sure.  Don’t.  Maybe that was a little glib, but it’s the Sabbath and I shouldn’t even have the lights on.  In all seriousness though, poker is a gentleman’s game.  It appeals to the Y chromosome just like a finely rolled cigar or the prose section in Playboy magazine.  Any true man would play the game whenever he could, or, at the very least, he would be wishing he were playing, no matter what chores, errands, or other Nancy-boy tasks he was doing at that moment.  There is no finer way for a man to spend an evening than with his belly pressed against the felt table, three fingers of scotch in one hand and five cards of potential in the other.

But apparently you want to quit. I guess that leaves me obliged to help you.  First, why don’t you trade the glitz and glamour of the Internet for the cheap cigarette and even cheaper seafood stink of a brick and mortar casino?  Either you’ll end up in some godforsaken riverboat gambling establishment and the sad-sack dentists and brain-dead office drones will have you so depressed that the suicide kings will seem to have the right idea, or you’ll be in some place like Vegas, and the gorgeous women will be more plentiful than ticks on a houndog’s ass.  And nothing can distract from a good card game like a nice piece of tail.

Which is another thing.  Women RUIN the game of poker.  You can’t be wishy-washy when it comes to cards, and, let’s face it, dames can’t make decisions to hit the broad side of a barn.  If you’re playing poker online you might be at a “table” FILLED with women, and you wouldn’t even know it, what with them hiding behind their masculine pseudonyms and mustachioed avatars (That’s right, I’m talking to you GentlemanJim629).  Sure, you’d probably win a lot of money, but would it be worth it?

If you really want to quit, my final advice may be a little unorthodox.  Go to a casino… and cheat!  There’s no need for subtlety or subterfuge.  You could hide some cards in your sleeves, bring your autistic cousin, or loudly bellow statements like, “This hand is crap, good thing I brought all these extra aces.”  Everyone will think this is HYSTERICAL.  And the pit bosses?  They’ll LOVE it!  They’ll love it so much that they will take you on a VIP tour of the inner workings of the casino.  They’ll even take you to a special room WAY in the back that no one ever sees.  I don’t want to ruin the surprise of this room, but I will tell you that when you leave, you will leave a changed man, and will NEVER play poker again.

I hope this helps.  If you ever hop on to Party Poker and see Bert Welleye, say hello.  And remember, always pass on the left.  Not because it is the polite, or “legal,” thing to do, but because if you ever find yourself in a high stakes car chase, you want to ram someone with the right side of your car in order to avoid personal injury.

Yours in Christ,

Albert Wellington Whiteye

Albert Wellington Whiteye is a renowned journalist who’s work has appeared in such publications as The New Yorker, Slate Magazine, and Single Malt Aficionado.  His advice column was at one time syndicated in over 500 magazines and newspapers in six different languages.  He now writes exclusively for TheAtrox.com.