Dear Albert,

I’ve been having trouble with my cell phone company.  They keep charging me $15 a month for text messaging when that service is supposed to be included in my plan.  I’ve been trying to get the extra charges credited to my account, but every time I talk to someone they think I’m trying to get another phone number to use.  What can I do?

Aggravated in Anchorage

Dear Aggravated,

This is definitely something I can relate to.  I’ve been trying to get DVR from my cable company for four months, and every time they say I have it, someone calls me back and tells me they were lying.  You’d think these people would be more professional.  If you’re going to lie, at least keep your stories straight for Christ’s sake.

The customer service interaction is all about power.  As in most human relationships, the thing you must do is establish dominance.  There are a few ways you can handle this.  The first is to speak complete gibberish.  It’s best to pretend like your speaking a real language, so try to throw in any non-English words you know to add some legitimacy.  Like “panini,” “bukkake,” or “sarlaac.”  When they ask you to repeat yourself, say something like, “What am I, speaking Swahili or something?”  This is doubly funny because there is a good chance that they actually speak Swahili as a first language.

The second thing you can do is to act like you also work for the customer service department of the company you are calling.  They will answer, “Thank you for calling Unico, how may I help you?”  You respond by saying, “Sure, I can help you with that.  May I get your phone number, area code first.”  They will pause, most certainly confused.  You then say, “I’m sorry, I must not be speaking clearly, should I repeat myself?”  They will certainly be even more confused.  At this point tell them you will connect them with a supervisor.  Then put them on hold.  If you feel like it, you can pick up after a few minutes, but if might be more satisfying to leave them on hold.  Don’t worry, they won’t hang up.  They’re sheep

The final fun thing to do is a bit tricky, and only the most skilled should attempt it.  When they try to sell you something you don’t need, like some feature that allows you to beam pictures from your camera phone directly to someone’s brain and costs like $1000 a month, start selling THEM stuff THEY don’t need.  For instance, I always try to sell them old TV shows that I have on videotape.  “Hey, I’ll get that useless feature if you buy my eight VHS tapes filled with General Hospital episodes from the mid-eighties.”  They never take me up on it, of course, which is just as well because, no matter how many times I watch it, Luke and Laura’s wedding never gets any less magical.

All in all, it’s important to try and have fun with them.  And you can always take solace in the fact that they probably make like a dollar an hour and live in a hut made of mud.  Or adobe.  And they definitely don’t get cell coverage. 

And remember, you don’t need to fill out every credit card application you get.  Just the ones that give you free shit.

Yours in Christ,

Albert Wellington Whiteye

Albert Wellington Whiteye is a renowned journalist who’s work has appeared in such publications as The New Yorker, Slate Magazine, and Single Malt Aficionado.  His advice column was at one time syndicated in over 500 magazines and newspapers in six different languages.  He now writes exclusively for TheAtrox.com.