Dear Albert,

Lately, I’ve been having a feud with my neighbor.  She refuses to trim the branches off her Sweet Gum tree, and it’s starting to drop its little balls all over my yard.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Angry in Annapolis

           You know, stuff like this really grinds my gears.  I bet she doesn’t want to trim them.  Typical!  My first words of advice to you are that it’s important that you remain level headed in this situation.  No one likes a manic Manny.  You need to stay cool and calculating because everyone knows revenge is a dish best served cold.  It also helps to be unpredictable.  If she’s used to you ignoring her when you’re each in your respective yards gardening or some shit, be overly friendly.  A wave and a smile can do just as much damage as a machine gun.

            Now some of you may be shocked at my forthrightness here.  “Why Albert, how can you so heartlessly encourage revenge?”  To those naysayers, my answer is simple.  As you may know, I have had a few legal spats in my time.  Some say that I bring it upon myself, but how can that be when I’m the victim?  Furthermore, it’s not important who starts it.  What’s important is that I finish it.  I know what you’re thinking: “Maybe this whole thing is just a big misunderstanding.”  Bullshit!  Do you think your neighbor is confused as to whether or not you want those little spiny things all over your lawn, cutting the shit out of your shins every time you mow the yard?  No, of course she isn’t!

            So here’s what you need to do.  First, you need to go to Wal-Mart.  This is where you can get a [section omitted due to pending legal action].  Although a bit tricky, it will allow you the upper hand.  Then, you need to go to Dairy Queen for [section omitted due to pending legal action].  You may think that an odd place to get such an item, but they have the best [section omitted due to pending legal action].  I know, I know, but no one ever faulted the Romans for fighting dirty.  Finally, and this is the most important part, [section omitted due to pending legal action].  Without it, you will be doomed to spiky balls the rest of your life.  I think you can see now why my advice, although unconventional, will help you resolve your dispute in a respectable manner.

            And remember, don’t eat yellow snow.  Just like mixing pop rocks and Coke, it sounds like a good idea at the time, but never works out how you hoped it would.

Yours in Christ

Albert

Albert Wellington Whiteye is a renowned journalist who’s work has appeared in such publications as The New Yorker, Slate Magazine, and Single Malt Aficionado.  His advice column was at one time syndicated in over 500 magazines and newspapers in six different languages.  He now writes exclusively for TheAtrox.com.