What follows is the closing argument from the infamous Trial of Kitty-Face Kitty, in which the adorable feline was charged with the murder of 26 delectable candy snails.

Excerpted from
The Forest v. Kitty-Face Kitty
Summation of Clarence L. Lagarto, Counsel for the Defense

 

Ladies, Gentlemen, Penguins, Ghosts, and various Critters of the Jury:

A wise mammal once said that all creatures are created Equal. But are they? Some animals are bigger than others, some horses are faster, some alligators have wider grins, some puppies are born into the opportunities that come with pedigree – some squirrels simply gather finer nuts.

Yet there is one way in which we are ALL created equal. Each of us – tiny, bulbous, feathered, or scaled – needs a mommy.

Esteemed Critters, I ask you, what is a Mommy? A mommy warms your egg in your little nest, though snow and sleet beat up her. She goes weeks without food so that she can carry you safely in her briny mouth. She helps you crawl from your yolk sack to her marsupium pouch. She lets you suckle at her many teats. She picks the nits from your fur. She helps you to find the best spot under the rock, and points out the dirt with the sweetest worms and maggots. A mommy brings you into the world, and she shows you the joy in it.

But so often, Friends, we wander mommy-less through the world, blind to the pleasures around us. And what has my Client done, I ask you, but try to lead so many of us back to a mommy, taking us by paw and claw and showing us the simple delights of a roll in the grass or a nap in the sunshine? Maybe it’s wrong that Kitty-Face Kitty can’t distinguish between “playing” and “involuntary molluskslaughter.” But if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

My client sits on trial. Why? Because he had the unmitigated temerity – no, the courage – to roll about in the deliciousness of life. I have nothing but pity in my heart for those delectable candy snails, but my pity does not extend so far as to willingly place behind bars the one kitty who could actually do this Forest some good.

Kitty-Face Kitty’s fate is in your hands. You may well choose to send him away, but know that with him will go the best chance we have to find the Mommy each of us deserves. It’s that Mommy you’d be drowning in a sack full of rocks … and that, Dear Beasts, is a Cat that won’t come back.

The Defense rests.

– Clarence L. Lagarto, Alligator-at-Law
February 10, 2006