One question repeatedly evaded by the first three Reevlicates is “Are you the true Christopher Reeve?” Though they’ve provided key bits of evidence to support their authenticity – whether it be a shocking physical resemblance, duplicate DNA, or simply a commitment to the departed actor’s mission – neither The Ereevicator, Boy Reeve, nor The Reeve of Steel has claimed explicitly to be the One Reeve returned. This is not the case with our final Reeve, who from the very moment of his arrival, firmly announced, “Yeah, I’m him.”1
Cyborg Reeve |
“Remain calm, folks,” assured the tall, raven-haired enigma, striding into a Borders Books in Ft. Worth, Texas on June 16th. Confidence radiating from each surefooted step, good-natured charm echoing from each baritone syllable, the mysterious figure empathized, “I know it’s been a confusing few weeks, but take heart, citizens. I, the real Christopher Reeve, have returned to you at last.” The alleged Reeve then spent the afternoon autographing copies of the late humanitarian’s memoir, Still Me.2
Many witnesses, while pleased by the surprise booksigning, found the curious stranger’s promises were undermined by his unconventional countenance, in which a scrap of Reeve’s classically handsome features hangs off a terrifying android deathmask.3
“Cyborg Reeve,” as he has come to be identified in media shorthand (though he prefers to be addressed as simply “Christopher Reeve”4), has been extremely forthright about his constitution. “My body is ninety eight percent synthetic. What you identify as my skin is in fact a combination of my original human epidermis and a stain-resistant flesh polymer, which is stretched over this durable cybernetic frame.5” Four days after his initial appearance, Cyborg Reeve volunteered himself for examination by a team of NASA scientists, who verified his description. “It seems likely that this individual was once an ordinary human being,” explained engineer Matilda Cassadine. “But he’s been hollowed like a jack-o-lantern. This man-husk was then pasted onto an enormous metal endoskeleton, designed to masquerade among us, but possessing a monstrous new strength.”6
Cognitive scientist Alexei Agnish, also part of the NASA team, elaborated, “Cyborg Reeve doesn’t experience pain as we do, but his reflexes are phenomenally responsive. He most certainly possesses some kind of highly articulate nervous system. The steel make-up of his skull prevented us from performing an adequate CT scan, but there’s no doubt that there’s a substantial intelligence rattling around in there.” Agnish proceeded to describe a structural integrity test in which the aerospace team had rammed their subject with a Jeep Grand Cherokee. The automobile folded across Cyborg Reeve’s chest like tin foil, but it was the aftermath that struck the scientist. “He turned his head slightly, as if something else had caught his attention, then plucked a pencil from my lab coat pocket and hurled it like a dart across the room. It lodged into the wall some forty feet away, neatly impaling a housefly that had landed there. Borgie just nodded to the bug and said, ‘I release you.’ Isn’t that kind of like poetry?”7
The bulletproof philosopher has hardly restricted his feats of strength to the diagnostics laboratory. In his most controversial demonstration, Cyborg Reeve exhumed the body of the late Mr. Reeve’s beloved horse Eastern Express, lashed the deceased animal to a boulder, and hurled the tremendous stone into space. Nodding sagely to a crowd of horrified onlookers, the machine-man eulogized, “This chapter is behind us once and for all. Now I can get back to the job of being me.”8
NASA X-ray of Cyborg Reeve, highlighting his metal endoskeleton. |
Like many of his fellow Reevlicates’ actions, this display invoked immediate rebuke from the U.S.’s dominant Republican Party. “I’m sorry,” commented majority leader John Boehner on the House floor, “but the American people don’t take kindly to digging up corpses, whether it’s your departed pet or an expired grandma. That’s a fact this towering abomination of flesh and science would do well to learn, if he hopes to make any friends in my district.”9
But a strange political reversal has taken place, following Cyborg Reeve’s June 26th appearance on The View. When questioned about his plans to promote stem cell research, the biomechanoid’s response marked a clear break from his predecessor’s attitudes. “Joy, for years humanity’s looked inward for the solution to its ailments. Meanwhile, we were building the real miracle all around us, in our rows of factories and banks of computers. When my own body was failing, it wasn’t the gilded hand of genetic tinkering that brought me back. It was the adamantium talon of cold, resplendent technology.”10
This about-face in principle prompted a jubilant endorsement from the Bush administration. As pundit Tucker Carlson commented, “It’s like they cracked open his metal skull and found a bucket of golden eggs. He’s renounced that nagging stem cell issue that was so offensive to the Religious Right, and at the same time, he’s laid out a vision of a technologically-enhanced future that’s remarkably pro-industry.”11
Appearing with Vice President Dick Cheney the following Thursday at a General Electric plant in Durham, N.C., Cyborg Reeve commended the gathered workers. “Roar, you foundries! Blaze, reactor cores! Mold the chrome haberdashery and prehensile spine of twenty-first century man!”12
Cyborg Reeve has also spent time with the President himself, accepting an invitation to the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas. According to White House sources, the President and “C.R.” (as Mr. Bush has taken to identifying him) dedicated most of their long weekend to leisure and relaxation.13
Following the Crawford retreat, Cyborg Reeve declared his intentions to join the current USO tour of the Persian Gulf, embarking two days later for Kuwait City. Purportedly, his act consists of a remounting of Enid Bagnold’s A Matter of Gravity, the drawing room comedy that launched the former Christopher Reeve on Broadway. Cyborg Reeve assumes (reprises?) the role of “Nicky,” the wastrel grandson of a dotty aristocrat, though GIs in attendance report that the script has been freely updated to include scenes of the star crushing armored tanks, tying gun barrels into knots, and melting a decommissioned SCUD missile with eyes. The show has apparently been a big hit with enlisted personnel.14
Cyborg Reeve also has enthusiastic followers at home. In fact, as of July 9th, some of his most zealous aficionados have organized themselves into a society dubbed “The Exalted Church of Bionic Reeve.” One Church member, who asked to be identified by his “deliverance name” of JTS-1138, described Cyborg Reeve as not just a celebrity, but an inspiration. “After years of anti-mechanization propaganda, Darth Vader, Michael Crichton, the Daleks, we finally have a prophet of the true future, where human and hardware are one!” 15
In an interview from Oman, Cyborg Reeve denied an official connection with the group that calls him the “Techno-Hybrid Messiah” and “Emissary of the Post-Human God,”16 though he admitted to being flattered by their attention. He dismissed critics who have branded the Church a “cult.” “I think it’s really more of a club,” he evaluated. “They’re fans! It just goes with the territory when you’re the real Christopher Reeve.”17
Is this cyborg truly Reeve himself? Evidence remains inconclusive. NASA’s Milo Drummond admitted, “The plasticine composition of his skin made it impossible to acquire an accurate DNA sample. However, we have sourced the alloy that comprises his endoskeleton to a quarry outside Mount Kisko, New York, which was Christopher Reeve’s hometown. So we know they share a common heritage.”18
Jane Seymour and Christopher Reeve in a scene from the time travel romance Somewhere in Time, often confused with the time travel thriller Time After Time. |
On the other hand, while the cyborg makes frequent reference to the broad details of Reeve’s biography, his memory of specific details is patchy at best. Consider the following anecdote from JAG’s Karri Turner, a USO mainstay who plays “Mrs. Basil” in A Matter of Gravity. “When we first started performing together, I told him what a huge thrill it was to be working with him. As a little girl, I was a major fan of Somewhere in Time. I had the poster on my wall and everything. But when I asked him about the movie, he just stared at me blankly for a minute, and then said, ‘Oh yeah, where H.G. Wells has to chase Jack the Ripper into the future. That one’s great.’”19
Recently, Cyborg Reeve has opened up about his faulty recollection. “The borging process wasn’t an easy one. Ultimately, I couldn’t be happier with the result, but there was initial tissue trauma, and some consequential memory loss.”
When asked just who was responsible for his “borging,” Cyborg Reeve opted not to comment. “Don’t worry, my friend,” he counseled. “All will be revealed in time.”20
For more information regarding Cyborg Reeve, please see our Rumors page!
Sources:
1.Castle, Melinda. “New Reeve Candidate Arrives.” The New York Times. 17 June 2006.
2.Herbert, Trent. “Manbot Declares Himself Reeve.” Associated Press. 17 June 2006.
3.Fondue, Derek. “It’s Raining Reeves.” The Dallas Morning News. 17 June 2006.
4.Noble, Gloria. “Call Me Chris.” Parade. 1 July 2006.
5.Duff, Corbin. “Bionic Brawn.” Men’s Fitness. July 2006
6.Grant, Coretta. “NASA Experts Examine Cyborg Reeve.” The Washington Post. 23 June 2006.
7.Berliner, Dr. Otto. “A Positronic Reeve?” A.I. Quarterly. July 2006.
8.Benini, James. “Cyborg Settles Score!” New York Post. 19 June 2006.
10.The View. ABC. 26 June 2006.
11.Tucker. MSNBC. 27 June 2006.
12.WRAL 5. Durham, NC. 29 June 2006.
13.Boulanger, Francoise. “Independence at Crawford.” Bloomberg. 4 July 2006.
14.“Broadway Reeve a Smash with Troops.” USO Press Release. 10 July 2006.
15.Personal Interview with Team Atrox. 12 July 2006.
16.Gutierrez, Javier. “Cyborg Sect Holds First Public Worship.” The Los Angeles Times. 10 June 2006.
17.Ermine, Natalie. “A Reeve Abroad.” Chicago Tribune. 12 June 2006.
18.Hashimoto, Junichiro. “NASA’s Reeve Report.” The New York Times. 27 June 2006.
20.Geraldo At Large. 13 July 2006.
Special thanks to Josh Kushins for Cyborg Reeve research contributions.
